Dad s Imagining Us as Food Again Gif the Simpsons Homer

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Tomorrow, FXX begins its 12-day marathon of every Simpsons episode e'er. This is in itself a monumental and staggering challenge, and we have already produced a guide on how to handle it. But this revived Simpsons mania led me downwardly an even deeper, darker garden path: an effort to painstakingly catalogue the funniest line spoken past every important Simpsons character, from the five main family members to the recesses of the vast recurring cast. Every selection is, of course, utterly definitive, and I'm certain no i will have any objections to them. But I take annotated near of them just in case there is debate. Read on, hopefully with a mix of horror and please.

Homer Simpson

"Everything lasts forever."
—Homer the Cracking (Flavor 6, Episode 12), in response to Lisa's warning, "Dad I know you think you're happy now, only it's not gonna concluding forever!"
[there is no one greatest Homer line, I admit. This quiet exchange in the middle of the Stonecutters episode has long been a personal favorite]

Marge Simpson

"Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim and then low no ane will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter it's under my face."
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Season 8, Episode eleven), afterward her pretzel business fails.
[whenever we get a glimpse into Marge's deep, but usually hidden, well of darkness and depression is commonly when she's at her funniest]

Lisa Simpson

"If anyone wants me, I'll exist in my room."
—Bart Gets Famous (Flavour 5, Episode 12), subsequently the whole cast recite their catchphrases.
[Lisa is possibly the best character on The Simpsons, partly considering she almost doesn't want to take part]

Bart Simpson

"I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda."
—Bart Sells His Soul (Season seven, Episode iv), subsequently Lisa quotes Pablo Neruda to him.
[Bart is the most catchphrase-y character but makes me laugh the most when he'southward being dry]

Grandfather Simpson

"I tin can't wait to consume that monkey."
—Girly Edition (Flavour 9, Episode 21), after meeting his new helper monkey Mojo.
[I also considered the line about beingness "with it" from Homerpalooza, merely that's simply a bright slice of writing, less character-specific]

Charles Montgomery Burns

"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
—Rosebud (Season five, Episode 4), subsequently being given a profane birthday concert by The Ramones.
[impossible to cull, but at that place's something then perfect most the combination of casual evil and cultural unawareness hither]

Waylon Smithers

"Uh, no, they're saying, 'Boo-urns! Boo-urns!'"
—A Star is Burns (Season vi, Episode xviii), reassuring his boss of his popularity.
[his best line, but it's rarely attributed to him]

Seymour Skinner

"Attending, students, this is Principal Skinner, your primary, with a message from the principal'due south part. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't permit the students name that 1."
—Lisa on Ice (Season vi, Episode 8), making a schoolhouse announcement.
[but he did, then he'll follow the rules most it]

Agnes Skinner

"Oh my name'due south Agnes, and y'all know information technology'south Agnes! It means lamb! Lamb of God!"
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Season 8, Episode 11), when Marge forgets her name
[very close betwixt this and, from the same episode,"Gimbels is gone, Marge…LONG gone. You're Gimbels!"]

Krusty the Clown

"Sex Cauldron?! I idea they closed that identify down!"
—Grade School Confidential (Season viii, Episode 19), after Maude spells out the words "sex" and "children."
[my favorite graphic symbol. I could make full an article with his lines]

Sideshow Bob

"Oh, cousin Merl, actually!"
—Brother From Another Series (Flavor viii, Episode 16), later his construction site co-worker says his dead smellhound has "gone to heaven."
[we should build whole cities in tribute to the way Kelsey Grammer delivers this line]

Sideshow Mel

"Everyone's always kissing your ass. Well I'm non agape to tell you lot, you lot're a- [Bleep]"
—I Love Lisa (Season four, Episode 15), boozer on "wowie juice" in a never-before-seen Krusty the Clown clip
[Sideshow Mel is very funny but just because he's and then serious]

Patty Bouvier

"There goes the final lingering thread of my heterosexuality."
—Treehouse of Horror III (Flavour iv, Episode 5), spoken every bit Homer runs by naked.
[it would only take her twelve more years to address this publicly!]

Selma Bouvier

"Then call me Mrs. Scum."
—Blackness Widower (Flavor 3, Episode 21), after Bart warns her against marrying Sideshow Bob, who Bart calls "scum."
[Selma is perchance the more than tragic of the Bouvier twins, although her optimism regarding men is admirable]

Ned Flemish region

"It's skilful for keepin' down the urges!"
—A Milhouse Divided (Season 8, Episode 6), in reference to cornstarch.
[most a throwaway in the episode, merely there's so much to call back virtually there]

Maude Flanders

"Unflavored for me!"
—Dwelling Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Season 7, Episode 3), putting in an order for not-fat water ice milk.
[she was the perfect woman for him]

Rod Flemish region

"Atomic number 26 helps united states play!"
—Lisa's First Word (Season 4, Episode 10), running to eat liver for dinner.

Todd Flanders

"Daddy says dice are wicked!"
—My Sister, My Sitter (Flavor viii, Episode 17), playing board games with Lisa.
[it's more than Moe's line simply I likewise dearest "my freakin' ears!"]

Reverend Lovejoy

"Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same."
—Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Season seven, Episode 3), giving spiritual communication to Ned.
[all his best lines are along these parameters]

Helen Lovejoy

"It's filth! Information technology graphically portrays parts of the man body, which, practical equally they may be, are evil!"
—Itchy and Scratchy and Marge (Season 2, Episode ix), discussing Michaelangelo's David.
[Helen'south hysterical delivery is crucial to everything she does, such as the much-quoted line linked to a higher place]

Clancy Wiggum

"Bake 'em away, toys!"
—Cape Feare (Flavor v, Episode 2), overriding Bart's guild of "take 'em away, boys!"
[perfect in its simplicity]

Ralph Wiggum

"Mrs. Krabappel and Chief Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me"
—Grade Schoolhouse Confidential (Season 8, Episode 19), afterward witnessing a makeout session in a janitor's closet.
[the about over-quoted Simpsons character, only he has a ton of peachy moments]

Groundskeeper Willie

"Give me that, y'all noodle-armed choir-boy!"
—The Joy of Sect (Season ix, Episode 13), fighting with Reverend Lovejoy over who gets to beat the cult programming out of Homer.
[followed by Reverend Lovejoy calling him "Mr. Kilt"]

Barney Gumble

"LORD PALMERSTON!"
—Homer at the Bat (Flavor 3, Episode 17), debating England's greatest Prime number Minister with Wade Boggs.
[the best version of the 'stupid guy is smart' joke ever]

Apu

"Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you lot. I mean, I think I'm dying."
—Homer and Apu (Season 5, Episode thirteen), after existence shot.
[I love Apu jokes that center on his dauntless and violent occupation]

Moe

"I'g better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought clay... I can't compete with that stuff."
—Team Homer (Season 7, Episode 12), evaluating his status in life.
[right behind Krusty in the "favorite character" and "incessantly funny lines" categories]

Kirk Van Houten

"It'due south dignity! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you run into information technology?"
—A Milhouse Divided (Season 8, Episode 6), trying to describe the concept of "dignity" for his wife.
[this whole scene is a masterpiece, and "Can I Borrow a Feeling" isn't actually a quote]

Luann Van Houten

"I'm sorry, I'one thousand not as smart as you, Kirk. Nosotros didn't all go to Gudger Higher."
—A Milhouse Divided (Season viii, Episode half-dozen), failing to gauge Kirk's "nobility" clue.
[Gudger College is fictional, but that name is perfect]

Milhouse Van Houten

"Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
—Mom and Pop Art (Flavour 10, Episode 9), when his flood pants continue his cuffs "os-dry."
[sometimes it's best to go with the greatest hits]

Lionel Hutz

"He'southward had information technology in for me e'er since I kinda ran over his canis familiaris. Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the give-and-take 'repeatedly,' and the give-and-take 'dog' with 'son.'"
—Marge in Bondage (Season 4, Episode 21), discussing his relationship with Judge Snyder.
[how practice you pick but one Hutz line? It'southward impossible]

Troy McClure

"Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a moo-cow ever got the chance, he'd consume you and everyone y'all care most!"
—Lisa the Vegetarian (Season vii, Episode v), advocating against vegetarianism.
[just as impossible, but this whole fake newsreel is my favorite Troy McClure scene]

Lenny Leonard

"Ow, my centre! I'k non supposed to get pudding in it!"
—Homer vs. Dignity (Season 12, Episode 5), every bit pudding is hurled at his heart.
[a wonderful straight human and fall guy]

Carl Carlson

"Aw, nuts. I mean...aw, nuts."
—Mountain of Madness (Season eight, Episode 12), after he is partnered with Lenny in a team-building practice.
[Carl's human relationship with Lenny is so dense and complicated and largely unspoken]

Kent Brockman

"Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, just a more than alarmist proper noun would be...the Killbot Manufacturing plant."
—Homer Loves Flanders (Season 5, Episode 16)
[other obvious choices include "insect overlords" and "republic simply doesn't work," merely this is an old personal favorite. Thanks to his job on the show, Kent is i of the best sources of one-liners]

Edna Krabappel

"She'south faking."
—Bart's Friend Falls In Love (Season 3, Episode 23), watching a sex education video with her 4th-graders.
[actually, all you need is "HAH!"]

Miss Hoover

"I don't know why. It'south a perfectly cromulent word."
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Flavor 7, Episode 16), endorsing the utilise of the word "embiggens."
[pretty much every keen Miss Hoover moment hinges on her utter aloofness]

Superintendent Chalmers

"Oh, I accept had it, I take had information technology with this school, Skinner! The depression test scores, grade afterward class of ugly, ugly children!"
—Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Flavour 5, Episode 19), evaluating Springfield Simple.
[the greatest Utican to e'er appear on tv set]

Comic Book Guy

"Ohhh, I've wasted my life."
—Treehouse of Horror Viii (Season 9, Episode 4), seconds earlier he is obliterated by a neutron bomb.
[a close-runner upward is "I can give you this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth."]

Professor Frink

"Please, I accept a funny story, if y'all'll heed? I fifty-fifty wrote theme music, listen! Ahem. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink, Professor Frink, he'll make you lot express joy, he'll brand you think, he likes to run, and so the thing, with the...person? Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay"
—22 Short Films About Springfield (Season 7, Episode 21), missing his hazard at debuting his spinoff "The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink."
[information technology's all about the delivery with Frink, but I wish we could have seen this bear witness]

Dr. Hibbert

"Too crazy for Boy's Boondocks, too much of a boy for Crazy Boondocks!"
—Treehouse of Horror 7 (Season 8, Episode 1), describing Bart's evil twin.
[Hibbert's not really with the jokes, but he's so quietly demented]

Nelson Muntz

"I 'unno. Gotta nuke somethin'."
—Lisa'south Date With Destiny (Season eight, Episode vii), defending his "Nuke the Whales" poster.
[gotta nuke somethin'!]

Fat Tony

"You have 24 hours to requite the states our money. And to bear witness yous nosotros're serious… yous have 12 hours."
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Flavour 8, Episode 11), giving Marge a mob ultimatum.
[he'southward legendarily corking throughout this episode]

Bounding main Helm

"Arr, I don't know what I'm doin'."
—Boy-Scouts N the Hood (Season 5, Episode 8), after a boat he's trying to sell to Homer sinks.
[for a man whose name is an occupation, the Bounding main Captain has held many jobs over the years]

Luigi

"Hey Salvatore! Get the ugly kid a platter of the red crap-a!"
—Sugariness Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Season v, Episode nineteen), putting in an gild for Bart'southward food.
[also: "Yeah, you see how y'all scum"]

Jasper

"Sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'."
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Office Two (Flavour 7, Episode i), every bit Smithers approaches him drunkenly.
[Jasper is a hole-and-corner fountain of great quotes]

Gil Gunderson

"Ah, they stole the balloon! I've been living in in that location! [hot plate falls from the balloon] Oh, lord, my hot plate! I only had ii payments left!"
—Natural Born Kissers (Season 9, Episode 25), after Homer and Marge steal his hot air airship.
[same for Gil. Remember his rusty Colecovisions]

Joe Quimby

"Can't we take one meeting that doesn't stop with usa earthworks up a corpse?
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Flavour 7, Episode 16), afterwards the town decides to dig up Jebediah Springfield's corpse.
[Quimby has never said anything that wasn't funny]

The Blue-Haired Lawyer

"Please sign these papers indicating that you did not relieve Itchy & Scratchy."
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Evidence (Season 8, Episode xiv), later on Roger Myers Jr. tells Lisa she saved Itchy & Scratchy.
[I honey the blue-haired lawyer.]

Martin Prince

"Ooh! Pick me, Teacher! I'm ever so smart!"
—The Final Temptation of Homer (Flavor 5, Episode 9), calling out in class.
[Team Discovery Channel!]

Uter

"Don't make me run! I'one thousand total of chocolate!"
—Lisa on Ice (Season half-dozen, Episode 8), being chased by Homer the towel-snapper in the gym
[Uter might not take some other not bad line, only he's got this one]

Jimbo

"That is so gay!"
—Lisa's Date With Destiny (Season 8, Episode seven), upon witnessing Nelson kiss a daughter.
[probably the funniest of the nifty trio]

Hans Moleman

"I demand the biggest seed bell you have. ...No, that's besides big."
—Itchy & Scratchy Country (Season 6, Episode iv), nether assail from predatory birds
[just thinking about what they said on the other side of this phone call puts me in hysterics]

Otto

"Wow, I had mustard?"
—The Otto Show (Season 3, Episode 22), upon being told the only possessions in his apartment were a jar of mustard and one-time motorbike magazines.
[not a lot of funny Otto lines!]

Disco Stu

"Disco Stu doesn't advertise."
—Two Bad Neighbors (Season 7, Episode thirteen), rejecting Homer'due south "Disco Stud" jacket which is missing a D because he ran out of rhinestones.
[a hilarious one-joke appearance that should accept ended there]

Dr. Nick

"When you were in that coma, did you lot feel your brain getting damaged?"
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Part two (Season 7, Episode 1), inspecting a catatonic Mr. Burns.
[one of the best i-joke characters]

Lunchlady Doris

"More testicles means more iron."
—Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Season five, Episode 19), preparing tiffin from a barrel of horse testicles.
[simply don't forget her promoting the "bunly goodness" of a hot dog bun]

Duffman

"Duffman... can't breathe! OH no!"
—Pygmoelian (Season 11, Episode 16), after Moe puts a suffocating sticker on his face.
[another one-joke character who maybe should have died with this appearance]

Snake

"She needs premium, dude! Premium! Dude!"
— Realty Bites (Season 9, Episode nine), when Homer buys his auto at auction.

Database

"I make it a point never to turn my head unless I wait to see something, Bart."
—Bart's Comet (Season half dozen, Episode fourteen), subsequently Bart tells him to look at the comet out the window.
[what a persnickety nerd. Officially Matt Groening's least favorite character]

Cletus

"Hey, I can call my ma from upwards here. HEY MA, Go OFF THE DANG ROOF!"
—22 Brusk Films Almost Springfield (Season 7, Episode 21), climbing a telephone pole.

Kang

"It does non matter which way you vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed!"
—Treehouse of Horror Vii (Flavor eight, Episode one), as Bob Dole, discussing American republic
[the aliens' best episode is when they're dressed as Clinton and Dole, but it counts]

Kodos

"My beau Americans. As a young male child, I dreamed of beingness a baseball, just this evening I say, we must move forward, non astern, up not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom."
—Treehouse of Horror 7 (Flavour 8, Episode one), as Bill Clinton, making his pitch to the American people.
[run across above]

Poochie

"Hey kids, ever recycle. TO THE EXTREME!"
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Flavor eight, Episode xiv), giving young people advice.
[because he technically didn't say "I accept to become now. My planet needs me."]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

"Only this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd impale me."
—Krusty Gets Kancelled (Flavour 4, Episode 22), when a taco he sold is returned.
[at that place'southward perchance a improve one, but everything that comes out of this child'due south oral cavity works]

Sarcastic Guy

"Bingo bango, saccharide in the gas tank. The ex-husband strikes again!"
—Bart the Lover (Flavour 3, Episode 16), assisting Edna with her motorcar.
[the Sarcastic Guy is i of the best secret Simpsons characters]

Rainier Wolfcastle

"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"
—Radioactive Homo (Season seven, Episode two), as he is carried away by a wave of acrid
[let's finish things here.]

Endless thanks to Joe Reid and my Twitter followers in helping me compile this maddening projection.

This commodity is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2014/08/the-greatest-line-every-simpsons-character-ever-delivered/378879/